The All-Cool Team (January 2010)

In my spare time this summer, I created the first edition of the All-Cool Team (Football Edition), a subdivision of the original All-Cool Team comprising basketball’s coolest persons created by CEO Justin Sexton back on December 13, 2007. And just like Justin, I gathered numerous photos online, posted them in a Facebook album, and then proceeded to write a little blurb about each player. And though these eleven starters and seven substitutes will forever be etched in history as the pioneers to all things All-Cool, much has changed since the original squad was selected and assembled. Therefore, it is only natural that I reevaluate this prestigious group of players and determine who is fit to stay, and who best be packing their bags.

I will, of course, begin by recapitulating the original team members (and their club at the time of selection). They are as follows in the All-Cool Team’s traditional 4-4-2 formation: Right-Winger (Captain): Franck Ribéry, Bayern Munich; Right Back: Maicon, Inter Milan; Right Center Back: Rio Ferdinand, Manchester United; Left Center Back: Oguchi Onyewu, AC Milan; Left Back: José Bosingwa, Chelsea; Left-Winger: Robinho, Manchester City; Right Midfielder: Andrei Arshavin, Arsenal; Left Midfielder: Michael Essien, Chelsea; Right Striker: Lionel Messi, Barcelona; Left Striker: Ruud van Nistelrooy, Real Madrid; Goalkeeper: Tim Howard, Everton;

The formula for determining such members, of course, I will also reprise: To make this prestigious squad you have to have either great style - most importantly tight shoes and the way you wear your socks (but because there isn’t much room for that in football, sweet hair is more widely recognized) - or I really want to own your jersey or you are a homie or you are my role model (or you are from/play in a cool country).

So without further ado, I give you the updated version of the All-Cool Team (January 2010):

Team Captain and starting Right-Winger: Franck Ribéry
Club: Bayern Munich
Country: France

Despite pesky injuries to both of his big toes that has kept him out of play for the majority of the season so far, Franck will remain on the All-Cool Team as team captain and starting right-winger because of who he is. He is Franck Ribéry, and he is one of the best players in the world. To take from my original blurb about the rugged French international: “he is unquestionably the bravest of the bunch and brings grit and brown teeth to a normally prissy and polished French National Team. He is a role model for all.” Franck, you are everyone’s hero and you should be treated as such. Welcome back.

Starting Right Back: Dani Alves
Club: Barcelona

Country: Brazil

Originally a bench warmer, Alves has bypassed the role as a substitute and will replace Maicon as the team’s starting right back.

Maicon will forever be a member of the All-Cool Team, but Alves has had a more impressive year, especially when you take into consideration his decision to alter his kit number from 20 to 2, dropping the postpositive zero, because, after all, no one likes a zero. The move confirmed Alves’ notable intelligence. Also, in defeating Estudiantes with Barcelona in the FIFA Club World Cup in the UAE this December, Alves continued his remarkable run of title victories: the Brazilian has now played in eleven championships, and he’s won them all. That, combined with his ability to hit belters from long range, make this an easy choice.

Starting Right Center Back: Thomas Vermaelen

Club: Arsenal

Country: Belgium

Though he has cooled off as of late on the offensive side of the ball, the Belgian center back got off to a blistering start in 2009. Though his last goal came back on October 4 in a 6-2 thumping of Blackburn Rovers, Vermaelen has found the back of the net five times so far this season, using his head more than once to do so. Vermaelen has ensconced homself into the Premiership in dramatically quick fashion, so much in fact that he may go down as the signing of the year when it is all said and done. Unfortunately, the former Ajax star now plays for the Gunners, which merits a deduction in cool points, but not enough to remove T.V. from the

first XI. Vermaelen replaces Rio Ferdinand of Manchester United, who has fallen off the face of the Earth this season and thus has been indefinitely kicked off the All-Cool Team.

Starting Left Center Back: Aaron Hughes

Club: Fulham
Country: Northern Ireland

This pick may come as a surprise to some, but let’s be honest: without Hughes, Fulham would probably be in the bottom quarter of the table. Instead, they are ninth—not far behind Birmingham City and Liverpool—and Hughes is a big reason why. One of the main reasons we like Hughes is because he’s extremely under-the-radar. That is to say, nobody knows too much about him. He is a sublime defender who never calls attention to himself, unassuming by nature. We greatly appreciate his current age of 30 years as well, as we at the All-Cool Team understand that people get old, but legends never die. While that cliché is cliché and incongruous with Hughes, who is not yet a legend, we know that it will in fact be applicable to number 18 should he lead the Cottagers to Europa League glory this spring. Hughes replaces Oguchi Onyewu in the starting lineup, but only because AC Milan never plays the impenetrable American; surely, after his performance last summer at the 2009 Confederations Cup in South Africa, Gooch has a permanent place on the All-Cool Team.

Starting Left Back: Benoît Assou-Ekotto

Club: Tottenham Hotspur
Country: Cameroon

A newcomer to the All-Cool Team, it is blatantly obvious as to why Assou-Ekotto is starting on the left flank: his hair is hilarious. It should come as no surprise that the mop atop his head was used as inspiration for that of infamous Simpsons character Sideshow Bob. Assou-Ekotto opened the season with his hair braided in some sort of cornrow-like fashion, and set the tone for an unpredictable first half of the campaign with his screamer against Liverpool on opening day. Hmmm, what else? The left back plays for Cameroon, a country that we here at the All-Cool Team feel is on the rise having booked their place back at this summer’s World Cup; his full name is Benoît Pierre David Assou-Ekotto which is a grand total of five monikers for those of you who are mathematically challenged; and finally, he has a caret above the “i” in his first name. The only thing we still wonder here at the All-Cool Team is...does a player get any cooler? Assou-Ekotto replaces Chelsea’s José Bosingwa who has been injured for the vast majority of the season.

Starting Left Winger: Mesut Özil

Club: Werder Bremen

Country: Germany

Another player who is making his debut for the All-Cool Team, Özil has come out of nowhere this season to claim a spot in the starting XI. According to ESPN Soccernet, Özil has just recently “been named by his fellow professionals as the best player of the first half of the Bundesliga season. Özil obtained 38.1% of

a vote held by Kicker magazine in which 228 Bundesliga players were asked their opinion on who had made the biggest impact over the first four months of the campaign.” To win 38.1% of the vote in the world’s most watched football division is incredibly impressive, and while we here at the All-Cool Team understand that the German Bundesliga is not as competitive a league as the Premiership or La Liga, we know that Werder Bremen and Özil’s teammates Torsten Frings (an All-Cool Team reserve) and Claudio Pizarro (a potential All-Cool Team member in the future) are a force to be reckoned with. Özil is also of Turkish descent, which means that ethnically he comes from one of the coolest countries in the Milky Way (not the candy bar) and is probably down with the whole Istanbul thing. Özil replaces Manchester City winger Robinho, who has had a worse attitude this season than an attractive girl whose boyfriend goes 45 minutes without calling her.

Starting Right Midfielder: Yoann Gourcuff

Club: Bordeaux
Country: France

We here at the All-Cool Team are obsessed with Yoann Gourcuff. His scintillating moves and dazzling footwork are just a few of the many cool facets that this French international brings to the pitch every day. Probably the main reason for his being so cool, however, is the fact that he helped Bordeaux go unbeaten in group stage play against formidable opponents Bayern Munich and Juventus, not to mention a plucky Maccabi Haifa squad. Bordeaux finished atop the group table with a league-best 16 points and will play underdog Greek-side Olympiacos next month in the first round of the knockout stages. Invaluable and flashy, manager Laurent Blanc’s side would be far worse off without their engine in the middle, Gourcuff. The 23-year-old midfielder barely edges past original starting right midfielder Andrei Arshavin, who, despite a fine first half of the season, has been demoted to the bench.

Starting Left Midfielder: Xavi

Club: Barcelona
Country: Spain

It pains me to no end to have to relegate Michael Essien to the reserve squad, but if there’s anyone who could replace the Ghanaian international it is Xavi, and only Xavi. The man who’s right foot is capable of pinpointing the ball wherever his heart desires has been arguably the most talismanic midfielder in the history of the game. It was his astonishingly meticulous cross in the Champions League Final last year in Rome that found the head of the petite Lionel Messi, who headed home Barcelona’s second goal that solidified the title and an unprecedented treble for the Catalan giants last May against Manchester United. Without his presence in the midfield, Barcelona, like Liverpool this season without Xabi Alonso, would almost certainly be struggling to keep afloat without their indispensable, clairvoyant midfielder. Xavi is, quite possibly, the only player to ever make the All-Cool Team based solely on his skill (Cristiano Ronaldo was the first, but when the All-Cool Team selection committee suddenly realized what they had done, they cut him, as we here at the All-Cool Team do not take un-cool players).

Starting Right Striker: Alejandro Domínguez

Club: Valencia
Country: Argentina

We write this blurb with tears streaming down our faces, because much to our chagrin, Domínguez has left Russian powerhouse Rubin Kazan for La Liga’s current third-plavced club Valencia where he will team up with David Villa for the next three and a half years. This transfer was news to the All-Cool team selection committee who chose Domínguez specifically because of his playing for Ruby and guiding them to a second straight Russian Premier League title, and nearly helped book them a place in the round of 16 in the Champions League. We here at the All-Cool Team firmely believe that the Russian Premier League is one of the world’s most exciting leagues, and with clubs like CSKA Moscow making it to the knockout rounds and Rubin Kazan stunning holders Barcelona at the Nou Camp 2-1 this fall, we also believe that it is a league on the rise. This is why we felt (and still feel) such a degree of morosity when we heard Domínguez was departing the planet’s largest country. Now, almost unquestionably, the Argentine is destined to disappear into oblivion behind an already fixed and unified Valencia squad, and will probably never be invited back to the All-Cool Team until he makes a name for himself or returns to Rubin Kazan. Domínguez replaces Lionel Messi in the starting XI, but only temporarily.

Starting Left Striker: Darren Bent

Club: Sunderland
Country: England

Let’s be real: Darren Bent is a G. Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp didn’t want the English striker, so he shopped him around until Sunderland came calling. Most players would be hesitant to move to the dreary confines of northeast England, but not Bent, who fears nothing. Number eleven has put Sunderland back on the map and has almost single-handedly turned the Black Cats into a serious Premier League threat. His 13 league goals on the season stand only one behind the triumvirate of league leaders Jermain Defoe, Didier Drogba, and Wayne Rooney, rendering Bent one of the most dangerous scoring threats in all of England. He exudes coolness, and that’s really the ultimate prerequisite for any player on this team. Bent replaces legend Ruud van Nistelrooy who will long live in All-Cool Team lore.

Starting Goalkeeper: Brian Jensen

Club: Burnley

Country: Denmark

Fans will hardly ever tune in to a match specifically to watch a goalkeeper, yet Jensen has proven to be the exception this season. He was the main reason the Clarets held on to defeat defending champions Manchester United at the beginning of the season, and is the main reason why Burnley find themselves above the drop zone. His saves have been remarkable so far this season, so much in fact that player of the year whisperings were made loud and clear early on in August. The formidable Danish stopper has been the best keeper in the Premiership so far this season, and don't expect him to let up through the final five months. He replaces Tim Howard because Everton have been worse than "Gigli" this season.