The All-Cool Omitted Team

In case you’ve been living under a rock (who ever came up with that expression anyway?) these past few months, most of you know by now that the 2010 FIFA World Cup will kickoff tomorrow (Friday) when hosts South Africa battle Mexico in the commencing match at 10:00 AM et. And with 32 teams journeying from all corners of the world to the Republic with three times the amount of capitals as the United States comprising the globe’s most fulgent footballers, there will be several familiar faces on hand for those of us who watched the 2006 World Cup in Germany. However, FIFA’s 23-man per team limitation rule forces each international boss to trim his squad before the beginning of each World Cup, which means that several countries—most notably Brazil, Spain, England, Argentina, Italy, and France, all of which are gushing with talent—will enter South Africa devoid of a few (erstwhile) superstars (and that’s just from the countries that qualified). But don’t worry. Unlike the rest of the world, we here at the All-Cool Team have not forgotten these men, or, The Missing, if you prefer. Below is the latest squad addition to the All-Cool Team—The All-Cool Omitted Team—because sometimes cool people just get left out of awesome events. So here’s to you, gents. We’ll never leave you behind (And by the way, I have absolutely NO idea why the font seems to change in every section of this post. I have tried to fix it a million times and it hasn't worked. I'm sorry).

Team Captain and starting Right-Winger: David Beckham
Club: Los Angeles Galaxy
Country: England

This may come as a surprise pick to most of you, especially those of you who have read Grant Wahl’s book The Beckham Experiment, which at times paints a not-so-cool portrait for the English winger. However, we know what Beckham is (cool) and we know what he would bring to England’s squad this summer (coolness). He still has one of, if not the most accurate, crosses in the game today, and when healthy, not even Juninho can match him set piece for set piece. The validity of Beckham’s coolness was confirmed this past winter when England manager Fabio Capello admitted that the evergreen winger would be included in the 23-man squad for South Africa, despite vociferous whisperings that the former Real Madrid boss would be leaving the English icon at home due to his ongoing decline in form. Heartbreak struck in mid-March, however, when Beckham suffered a torn left Achilles tendon while playing on loan for AC Milan against ChievoVerona, ruling the man with the golden bend out of the World Cup. Beckham may be on the sidelines for the world’s most storied tournament, but his coolness will be felt by all.

Starting Right Back: José Bosingwa

Club: Chelsea

Country: Portugal

Still a bourgeoning talent at 27 years old, the Portuguese wingback will share solace in the injury department with his teammate David Beckham. Sustaining a knee injury back in October that kept the fastest man alive (other than Usain Bolt and Conor Casey) out of the Chelsea lineup for the rest of their double-winning season, Bosingwa still requires more surgery, which will keep him out of the World Cup this time around. A diligent defender with unprecedented speed, it is unquestionably Bosingwa’s conspicuously large unibrow that makes him so cool and so popular with the All-Cool Team Selection Committee. I’d say we’ll miss his presence in South Africa, but we have to remember that not only is his unibrow ubiquitous, but it can be seen from space, so while he may not ever make it onto the pitch, we will definitely be seeing his long, thick strand of hair just above the eyes. What did you think all those TV blackouts were in the first place anyway?

Starting Right Center Back: Philippe Mexès

Club: Roma

Country: France

The fact that the best defender for the runners up in Italy’s top flight wasn’t selected to go to the World Cup should be grounds enough for incumbent French National Team manager Raymond Domenech’s (already and inevitably imminent) dismissal (even though he is set to step down after the tournament). To give you a frame of reference, it would be like Manchester United’s Nemanja Vidić or Rio Ferdinand being glossed over by Serbia and England, respectively. Laurent Blanc wouldn’t be so careless. Despite the immutable disadvantage of playing for a club in Europe’s most corrupt, horrendous, and downright unwatchable domestic league Serie A (yeah, yeah, yeah, we all know Inter won the treble—they and Roma are the outliers), Mexès has all the ingredients of a cool player: 1) His name manages to comprise an astounding number of letters just to say the name Philip (he would have gained superfluous cool points had he slipped in a second ‘L’ there) 2) His last name includes an accent mark that curves to the left, which is rare in the eyes of the All-Cool Team and 3) His hair rocks. And he’s a great defender. You think France will fare better with a geriatric William Gallas and an unproven Sébastien Squillaci in the middle? A word for Mr. Domenech: cool is never in excess, so next time, choose Mexès (you jack-ess…too much?).

Starting Left Center Back: Jean-Alain Boumsong

Club: Lyon

Country: France

Another French defender whose absence Domenech is soon to lament. The most stoic and businesslike member of the All-Cool Omitted Team, Boumsong’s name says it all. BOOM-song. I challenge you to find a name more fun to pronounce. That, and the fact that the 30 year old center back was instrumental in securing Lyon’s first trip in club history to the semifinals of the UEFA Champions League this past spring, are the main reasons why Boumsong will always have a spot on the ACOT (Also because he was pretty much the only defender of the omitted we recognized).

Starting Left Back: André Bikey

Club: Burnley (Championship)

Country: Cameroon

I honestly have no idea why Bikey went unselected for this summer’s tournament, especially when you consider that he is only one of three players on Cameroon who played in the English Premier League this past season (Tottenham’s Sébastien Bassong and Benoît Assou-Ekotto are the other two), the remaining six (of the 23-man squad) haling from clubs in the less competitive leagues in France and Turkey. Sure, the Clarets were relegated back to the Championship in May, but that is no reason for Cameroon manager Paul Le Guen to punish the versatile defender. Traditionally a center or right back, we have moved André to the left side of the backline in the hopes that he will not reprise his act of pushing a Ghanaian stretcher bearer at the end of a match against Ghana in the semifinals of the 2008 African Cup of Nations. We are confident that a player as cool as André will have the presence of mine to do something far funnier the next time he loses his cool (which is impossible).

Starting Left-Winger: Kyle Beckerman

Club: Real Salt Lake

Country: United States

Sometimes you can tell greatness just by reading a moniker. That is not the case here, as the name Kyle Beckerman sounds like a hybrid from the little kid in the movie Blank Check and the fat bad guy (I think his name was Bitterman?) from the same movie. But we here at the All-Cool Team know a winner when we see one. All you need to do to convince people of Beckerman’s coolness is to slip them an image of the semi-talented midfielder, which will duly reveal his main element of greatness: his hair. Just like Bosingwa’s unibrow, Beckerman’s dreadlocks can also be seen from space and often have been mistaken for Kevin Mench’s Bob Marley wig that he wears on Halloween. The name of Beckerman’s team might be the dumbest of any (besides FC Dallas or Seattle Sounders FC), but it would take a dumb person to call the 28 year old from Crofton, Maryland not cool. Bob Bradley: you should be ashamed of yourself for not taking this enterprising, young spirit.

Starting Central Defensive Midfielder: Michael Essien

Club: Chelsea

Country: Ghana

Coolness has no roadmap, because its name is Michael Essien (I hope that makes sense, though the more I read through it, it doesn’t). But just like every other Chelsea player who was selected to play at the World Cup, Essien will be unable to participate due to injury (Germany’s Michael Ballack, Nigeria’s Jon Obi Mikel, and Ivory Coast’s Didier Drogba have suffered similar fates, although the Côte d'Ivoire captain may still be fit to play). However, Essien, in our minds, is perhaps the best player in the world and without question the best African player around. He is versatile and has a missile of a foot from outside the box and made one of the best goals ever in the Champions League Semifinals against Barcelona on a left-footed volley from deep last year. He is versatile and tenacious as well as an optimist famously saying once that “Anything is possible (in football), you just need to believe in yourself,” which made everyone on the team cry with inspiration, except for Boumsong, who never cries.

Starting Central Attacking Midfielder: Ronaldinho

Club: AC Milan

Country: Brazil

I was playing soccer recently with a friend of mine, and we were talking about Brazil’s chances of winning the World Cup. “Even without Ronaldinho,” I started, “I still think they’ll win it all.” Wait a second. Brazil?...Without?...Ronaldinho?...It? That was pretty much the gist of the shocking reaction this news triggered within my friend. It was inconceivable to him that the two-time FIFA World Player of the Year had been left of manager Dunga’s 23-man roster for South Africa. Well, in the words of the infamous Cosmo Kramer: “Here’s to feeling good all the time.” So the Dinho is a big fan of the drink. So what? Does that make him any less capable of performing on the grandest if stages? Eh, probably. But make no mistake, Ronaldinho still has that magic touch and can still do things with the ball few people would even dream about (I think we’ve all seen the new Nike ad Write the Future featuring the one and only whose crossover inspires even Kobe to emulate the Brazilian magician after sinking a game-winning shot against the Blazers). The fact that he will not be at the World Cup saddens us all here at the All-Cool Team, but the thought of him downing ten consecutive shots of Bacardi 151 in a five-minute span in some club in Rio before tearing up the dance floor while his teammates battle North Korea will put his bucktoothed grin on all of our faces.

Starting Right Striker: Lisandro López

Club: Lyon

Country: Argentina

Probably the most subdued character on the ACOT roster, López brings composure and unspoken leadership to a squad that is lacking somewhat in each quality. Argentina boss Diego Maradona has a plethora of forward talent at his disposal such as Gonzalo Higuaín, Carlos Tévez, and Lionel Messi (not to mention Kun Agüero and Diego Milito), but he could have added the reliable López to the pecking order as a reward for a fine season at the Stade de Gerland that saw him bag 24 goals in all competitions (Maradona must have been to busy toasting a Pop Tart to even notice). My only wish is that this section could be funnier. Unfortunately, there really isn’t anything funny about Lisandro López; he’s just really good.

Starting Left Striker: Hulk

Club: Porto

Country: Brazil

No explanation necessary...(his name is HULK).

Starting Goalkeeper: Antonios Nikopolidis

Club: Olympiacos (Retired)

Country: Greece (Retired)

The man who bears an uncanny resemblance to George Clooney has selfishly decided to deprive all of us of his illustrious saves in the forthcoming World Cup by retiring (it probably has something to do with the fact that he is 39 years old). Nikopolidis’ greatest international accomplishment was helping the Greeks stun the football world by capturing the 2004 UEFA European Football Championship defeating hosts Portugal in the Final 1-0, after securing a string of three clean sheets in the knockout round. Also, when he played for Olympiacos, at one point he donned the number 71, which screams cool. He will be missed by his Greek teammates as they do battle in Group B with Argentina, Nigeria, and South Korea, but will always have a spot on the ACOT (even though he wasn’t technically omitted).