Pre-game:
-Does anybody else think it’s strange (but mostly hilarious) that ESPN pegged Alexi Lalas and Ruud Gullit to do the pregame…at the same time? The main reason I ask is that according to Grant Wahl’s book, The Beckham Experiment, which takes an in-depth look inside David Beckham’s first few years playing in America for the Los Angeles Galaxy, when it came time for Lalas (the President and GM of the club at the time) to hire a new head coach after a dismal run of form by the Galaxy, Gullit was suggested to take the reins by superior powers. Lalas declined for several reasons, and as a result was then overruled by these same superiors and Gullit was brought on as the team’s new manager. He did a terrible job, the two never got along, and eventually on August 11, 2008 (coincidentally, my birthday, so now I’m involved in this mess) Gullit resigned and Lalas was canned as gloomy days continued to linger over the Home Depot Center. Now, the two find themselves sitting no more than a hockey-stick’s length away from each other at a desk in front of a camera, and to no one’s surprise, still disagreeing with one another on several points. Keep your eye on the icy relationship between the two, as the tension is sometimes glaringly palpable.
-Both teams are lined up poised to march out of the tunnel, England in their all-whites, and the USA still in their warm-up uniforms…why haven’t they taken them off yet?
-Now it’s time for the national anthems, and James Milner wants no part of it. He sternly diverts his eyes from the camera and stares forward, probably wondering why he is starting. Aaron Lennon wants no part of God Save the Queen, either, while Chelsea boys Frank Lampard and John Terry chorus away—a true moment of English patriotism from two of the best players in the world, who just so happen to play for the best club in England. You come to expect these things as a Chelsea fan.
-Star-Spangled Banner time. I honestly cannot think of a more poignant moment in football that I have witnessed to date. The United States are going to play England, the motherland, in a matter of moments, and with a right hand on the right shoulder of every teammate as they stand together, united, in line, you get the feeling they’re ready. Even if they’re not, it is hard not to feel proud of this team and the game hasn’t even begun.
-Martin Tyler, who has easily one of the most recognizable voices in sports, will be calling the game with John Harkes, king of MLS commentary (I haven’t forgotten you, JP Dellacamera, don’t worry). There hasn’t been a more lopsided twosome since Jack Sprat and his wife tied the knot.
Game On
1’– All I wrote in my notebook during the first minute?: “Robbie Findley looks nervous.” (The striker’s alarmingly apparent jitters might as well have been a bull’s-eye for ridicule). This should come as no surprise though, as number 20 hasn’t played in ANY of the USA’s qualifying matches leading up to this historic match. I’m already skeptical of Bob Bradley’s decision to start him.
2’– Carlos Bocanegra takes a throw-in. Wait, was that Carlos Bocanegra or Christian Bale? Well, he isn’t throwing a tantrum on a movie set, nor is his voice changing drastically in his Batman suit. Still, I think it might be him.
3’ – I can’t decide whether I like the USA uniforms or not. The navy blue works well, I think, but at first glance it looks like every American is wearing a permanent white seatbelt.
4’ – England captain Stephen Gerrard scores against a USA backline that appears to be all-too permeable. The Liverpool skipper cut into the box from the right hand side and received a deft pass from Emile Heskey and then slotted the Jabulani past Tim Howard. Another nightmarish start to another World Cup campaign for the Americans. Why does the USA always concede so early in games? England leads 1-0.
6’ – Robbie Findley is three miles offside when he receives a pass from a teammate. Has this guy ever played soccer before?
8’ – Replay of the Gerrard goal. Heskey’s pass was sublime. Why doesn’t he ever play for Aston Villa again? Oh, that’s right, because he’s actually not that good. That pass, however? You won’t see many better than that.
9’ – John Harkes, in reference to Wayne Rooney, just said that the Manchester United forward is “arguably one of the best strikers in the world at this moment.” This comment was greeted by vociferous silence on Martin Tyler’s end. Saying that water is wet would have been a less obvious statement.
11’ – Slow motion replay of England manager Fabio Capello tapping the cheek area just below his eye. Capello is not a particularly heavy man, in fact, he looks to be in fine shape, but the ripple effect this had on his face was remarkable.
12’ – I have to pee. But I can’t get up or else I might miss a goal like this morning when a trip to the bathroom deprived me of bearing witness to South Korea’s first strike. If I know myself as well as I think I do, the next 33 minutes are going to be excruciatingly painful. Also, Gerrard is a beast. He just made a fantastic tackle to thwart Findley’s run on the cusp of the right side of the box. Though I’m sure if he had just made a mean face, Findley would have messed up anyway. From his new palatial settlement in Madrid, Jose Mourinho probably likes what he sees out of his (possible) future midfielder.
14’ Steve Cherundolo just took the worst shot in World Cup history after cradling a quick corner pass from Landon Donovan. It was so bad that people will probably call it a terrible cross instead.
16’ – What’s with team USA and all the orange? From each player’s cleats to Tim Howard’s uniform, you know there are more than a few incensed Dutchmen watching.
17’ – I still have to pee, and have to so much more badly than before. And it’s been just five minutes. This might be the only time in my life where I wish I had a catheter at my disposal.
19’ – Best chance of the match thus far. Donovan made an insanely accurate cross to Altidore’s elevated body, but the ball only grazed the forehead of the twenty year old striker. Capello is visibly upset flailing his arms on the sideline, but the former New York Red Bull should do a lot better. His effort was noticeably devoid of technique.
20’ – Lennon’s run into the box from the right flank is thwarted by American captain Carlos Bocanegra, who rescues the backline for the first time this evening.
22’ – In typical U.S. fashion, Cherundolo burns Milner to the ball on the right wing in crossing territory, and then proceeds to kick it out of bounds when he tries to get clever with his feet. Little does Cherundolo know that foot skills and being American never go hand-in-hand.
23’ – Close up of John Terry. I was thinking the other day about how each and every one of the Chelsea skipper’s ill-advised escapades seem to have caught up with him. There was the slip from the penalty spot at the 2008 UEFA Champions League Final against Manchester United, and then Capello’s stripping of his captaincy following the sex scandal with the mother of ex-teammate Wayne Bridge’s child. Could a loss to the Americans be next in the cards for the misguided JT?
24’ – USA is playing the possession game very well right now, which is a nice way of saying nothing is happening…and I still have to urinate.
26’ – Clint Dempsey tries a rip from outside the box on the right side, but it’s blocked. He should have probably fed it forward to either Donovan or Jozy Altidore, who were pressing just ahead of him, looking to beat Terry and Ledley King. Dempsey bagged a couple of wonder goals this season for Fulham, including a long range chip shot of stunning quality that saw off Juventus in the Europa League this past March, so you really can’t fault him for trying. Soon thereafter, Milner continued his highly forgettable debut at the World Cup by picking up a yellow card for a hard trip on Cherundolo, but you know that somewhere at Eastlands Manchester City owner Sheikh Mansour must have been delighted by the aggressiveness of the tackle. Now if only Villa would accept his transfer bid for the young midfielder…
27’ – Donovan’s corner is headed wide by Oguchi Onyewu, who actually generated a decent bid on goal considering the angle at which he took the cross. Bob Bradley begins to show his first signs of worry, though how could you really tell from his stoic countenance?
29’ – Findley makes a futile effort at a clearance, and I begin to wonder if the 24-year-old striker might have been a more valuable commodity to the national team had he stayed at home with his club Real Salt Lake. Aaron Lennon sends a mouthwatering cross on the ground into the box intended for Heskey who slams into Tim Howard after the Everton keeper punches it away. Even though Howard appears to be injured as he lies motionless on the pitch for several instances, it is a joyful moment in the highest degree for yours truly as I immediately take the window of opportunity and speed to the bathroom to finally pay the proverbial water bill.
31’ – I feel SO much better, and Milner is subbed off for Shaun Wright-Phillips, the former Chelsea man. The unusually early substitution makes me wonder whether Sheikh Mansour is calling the shots from behind the scenes and sticking it to Villa by brining on SWP for the lackluster midfielder. Sounds like a match-fixing scandal if I ever heard one.
32’ – A stat box pops up on the screen displaying percentages of ball possession: USA 59%; England 41%...really? Clearly ball possession does not take into account how pallid and uncreative the USA has been thus far.
35’ – Excellent play by Ricardo Clark (in hindsight, it would be his only one of the evening) who stepped up and blocked an Ashley Cole cross into the box from the left side that surely might have led to England’s second goal. Had Clark not been there, it might have been the Czech Republic in 2006 all over again for the USA.
36’ – Findley makes a decent run (believe it or not) down the left flank, cuts in towards the box and then passes it into a sea of white shirts. Why is this guy starting again?
38’ – Tyler reminds us all that Serbia and Ghana will square off tomorrow, and I can’t wait to hear the exorbitant amount of last names for the White Eagles that end in the suffix –ić.
40’ – An absolute howler by English keeper Robert Green puts the USA level with their colonizers at 1-1! Dempsey’s throw-away strike with his weak foot from outside the box deflected awkwardly off of Green’s hands, then squirted past the goal line before the West Ham keeper could rescue it. Green could go on to become one of the greatest keepers in history, but this moment of sheer ignominy is surely one he will never forget. To reprise the lamenting words of Tyler, “[Green] has given up one of the softest goals you’ll ever see at this level of football!” Something like this was bound to happen to England, who has suffered a myriad of similar unfortunate events over the years in this competition. All I can say is—whoa, whoa, whoa! They’ve already started playing again?...
41’…No sooner had I started celebrating when Glen Johnson fired a cracker at Howard who made a solid save to deny the Liverpool right back. If that had gone in, I’m pretty sure I would have thrown my Subway sandwich at the TV. No, I definitely wouldn’t have done that with my sandwich.
44’ – First Beckham cameo, a slow motion replay of his reaction to Green’s howler. They might as well have just taken a still frame shot, because the dismayed expression plastered on his face goes unchanged for at least seven seconds. Slow motion replay of Green raising his right hand as if to say “my bad” ensues. Now I just kind of feel bad for the guy.
45’ – Gooch expediently gets rid of Lennon’s cross, and I realize that the AC Milan defender’s beard could easily rival that of Baron Davis, and maybe even that of James Harden.
46’ – An extra ball just bounced onto the field and Donovan kicked it out of bounds just as the official ball came rolling his way. Are you kidding me, ball boy? Even Cosmo Kramer would do a better job (though according to that particular episode, the K-man is actually an exceptional ball boy, so I’m not sure how far that joke really goes).
48’ – My mom informs me that she’s going to start fining me if I don’t clean up my stuff around her house. Being a fresh college grad is so awesome.
It’s Halftime, and surprisingly, I’m feeling pretty good about team USA right now.
45’ – Capello brings on Jamie Carragher for King. The man who retired from international football back in 2007, only to return to the stage this past May may have inadvertently established the path of the least resistance for all international footballers everywhere. He didn’t have to play in any of the qualifiers, yet he gets to play in the opening match of the World Cup. Sounds unfair, right? Yeah, that’s because it is. And Robbie Findley already sniffed it out.
47’ – Nice hand ball, Jay DeMerit.
48’ – Aaron Lennon makes another lightning run down the right flank and into the box, leaving Bocanegra, who never stood a chance, in the dust. His cross could have been better, but with nimble runs such as these, the crosses will come. Lennon is my English player of the game thus far.
50’ – The music that inevitably emanates from a vuvuzela upon blowing into it—which, according to my friend, sounds like a constant fart—is incredibly obnoxious when you concentrate on just that sound…even if you don’t, it’s still impossible to block out, and still is pretty annoying.
52’ – Heskey makes a clean breakaway, but Howard is there to stop the aging striker as he swallows up the Jabulani immediately as if there was an endless amount of duct tape on his hands. It is becoming a little too easy for these Brits to exploit the American backline. Luckily, Tim Howard is really good at his job.
55’ – Findley missed header. Nice bro. Really well done. Seriously though, why is this guy even playing?!?! I’d rather have Brian Ching or even Eddie Johnson in there! Okay that’s a lie. But at least Edson Buddle!
57’ – The vuvuzelas continue to resonate throughout Royal Bafokeng Stadium, only this time, I pick up something that sounds like a dying yak. Probably a broken vuvuzela.
58’ – Slow motion replay of Capello, who looks frustrated, making a chopping motion from top right to bottom left with his hand. Obviously, he was not pleased with the way that delicatessen in Rustenburg sliced up his ham sandwich at lunchtime.
59’ – Carragher yellow card for a hard trip on Findley. Is this the moment when the American striker/all-around disappointment is finally subbed off? Nope, because that’s wishful thinking. Tyler duly (and perhaps spitefully in my direction) reminds all of us once again that Findley didn’t play a lick of qualifying matches.
61’ – Gerrard yellow card for tackling Dempsey. The two Europa League semifinalists meet again.
62’ – Donovan free kick = miserable Bocanegra header (even if he did hit it squarely). However, down on the other end, Gooch cancels it out by heading out an inviting cross by Johnson. We’re back on an even keel.
63’ – Lampard, who will be remembered from tonight’s game more for his singing God Save the Queen than anything else, has a go with his left foot from outside the box, but hits it right at Howard who deflects it over the net with relative ease.
64’ – Corner falls right to Johnson who booms it past the post and behind the line for a goal kick. This is going to be one nervy finish for the Americans.
65’ – Altidore almost scores! Green got a hand on the shot from close range and deflected it upwards and off the woodwork! How close it was! That’ll temporarily boost Green’s spirits.
66’ – A bloody-lipped Johnson makes an appearance, and is then sent away to receive treatment. Was that blood or was Johnson enjoying a grape Popsicle unbeknownst to his audience?
67’ – Another pitiful header attempt by Findley at midfield. Please take him off, Bob. Please…I’m (we’re) begging you…
68’ – Foul on Onyewu. Free kick to follow. Lampard takes it from 27 m and launches it sky high over the cross bar. Lampard may have had one of his more fulgent seasons this past year at Chelsea, but his play tonight is doing little to dispel the notion of his critics of his being a disappearing act on the international stage.
71’ Rooney’s first real chance on a header goes wide, as Gerrard’s cross had a little too much mustard on it. DeMerit deserves a considerable amount of credit tonight for containing Manchester United’s crown jewel so well, despite this chance that was more of an aberration than anything.
73’ – Findley’s chance! A lone breakway! And...! He blew it. Obviously, he blew it. Who saw that coming?
74’ Findley yellow card for tripping Gerrard…is there anything this guy can’t do incorrectly?
75’ – Rooney launches an unexpected screamer just wide right of an outstretched Howard, who seemed to be caught off guard. A few moments later, Rooney sets up SWP with a deft touch to the left, and Wright-Phillips’ attempt to curl it around Howard is met by the hands of one of the world’s best keepers (is John Harkes writing this blog?).
76’ – Powerade advertisements spring up suddenly across all the boards around the field’s perimeter. Whatever happened to All-Sport by the way? Was that not one of the tastiest beverages we kids had in our lifetime?
77’ – Gerrard good cross, Heskey can’t keep his header down though and the ball sails over the net. Can the U.S. hang on?!? Ahhh!!! Buddle for Findley!!!! Buddle for Findley!!! Miracles can happen! And it only took Bob Bradley an hour and thirteen minutes to realize his blunder.
78’ – England is starting to pour it on. You feel like it is only a matter of minutes before they find a breakthrough…
79’ – Peter Crouch is subbed in for Heskey…this wave of sensible managerial moves is contagious!
82’ – Terrible pass from Lampard that skids the width of the field an out of bounds. If there is an X-Factor tonight, not only is it not Frankie, but the Chelsea midfielder is quite the antithesis.
83’ – Bob Bradley flashes a thumbs up from the touchline. This is the most animated I have ever seen the U.S. manager.
84’ – Grueling attack by England is defended well by Onyewu, as Gooch causes Lampard to slip up in the box. Shocking.
86’ – In the midfield, Michael Bradley flattens Rooney whose raging temper makes its first cameo of the night. Stuart Holden comes in for Altidore. Well done, Jozy. You’ve done well for someone who can’t even legally have a beer after the game.
87’ – Excellent slide tackle by Gooch to knock the ball out of the box. His endurance hasn’t betrayed him, as several experts predicted it would, especially in crunch time.
89’ – Donovan tries a rip, but like every other shot on this night, it is way too high. Valiant effort though. If anyone deserves to take that shot, other than Howard, it is LD on this night.
90’ – Second Beckham cameo, and he is not a happy camper (sorry, I had to get at least one Jim Gaffigan allusion in there).
94’ – Herculez Gomez looks poised to become the first person named Herculez to play in the World Cup (I don’t know that for a fact, but I’m pretty sure that’s the case)…but the whistle blows, and the Americans have stolen a point! Special thanks to Robert Green, Clint Dempsey, and the gods of the football world! We owe you more than one. Bring on the Slovenians.
Anybody who tells you jury duty is fun is lying through their teeth…and through their nose…but mostly just through their mouth. I woke up at 7:12 AM this morning and returned at 6:52 PM, even though the court house closed at 4:30 PM. But, to my extreme elation, I went unselected in the only draft wherein that is smiled upon by the undrafted specimen. After sitting through the preliminary procedures of four different trials and watching more than 200 names being pulled at random out of a box no bigger than a birdhouse, I felt like I had run across a battlefield infested with flying bullets and come out the other side completely unscathed. Then I looked back and saw the Los Angeles Lakers. They were all down.
