Another day, another disappointing Chelsea performance. This one came against Porto, and it must have been a bittersweet homecoming for Blues
boss Jose Mourinho (by the way, what was more surprising: seeing Iker Casillas
in a Porto shirt, or the fact that the Porto shirts were sponsored by New
Balance? I mean, New Balance?
Really? Do we think Werther’s may sponsor a kit in the near future as well?),
who saw his side underwhelm for the umpteenth time this season in a 2-1 defeat.
Chelsea’s backline was horrific in conceding both Porto goals—one of those to
everyone’s new favorite Portuguese midfielder André André (Rochelle, Rochelle,
anyone?)—and probably should have conceded more. Branislav Ivanovic, Gary
Cahill, and Ramires looked shadows of their old selves, while Kurt Zouma failed
to assert his physical presence for a second-straight match. Thank goodness for
Will.I.An, whose late first-half curler tied the match at one (just imagine
where the Blues would be without the Brazilian winger’s set piece magic thus
far—bottom of the EPL, most likely) and proved to be the only sniff of
creativity exhibited by a side that has woken up on the wrong side of the bed
all season. Chelsea currently sits 14th in the Premier League table
nestled between West Brom and Watford, and third in their UCL group, and the
irony is that it will be on Mourinho to fix it. In seasons past, Chelsea owner
Roman Abramovich would have been salivating at the prospect of axing another
Andre Villas-Boas, Luiz Felipe Scolari, or Roberto Di Matteo-type after such a
dismal start to the year, but we know that the Russian and The Special One have
since repaired their relationship, and that the oil magnate fully entrusts
(*cough* demands, or else *cough*) Mou to dig the hapless Blues out of their
unexpected hole…
Speaking of holes, how about Arsenal! Another loss for the Gunners tonight at the Emirates to Olympiacos, 3-2, could very well
portent the demise of the club’s 2015-16 Champions League aspirations. Petr
Cech’s night off allowed David “Butterfingers” Ospina to spill the ball into
his own net before Icelandic striker Alfreð Finnbogason sealed the victory for
the visitors. The loss was the Gunners second in two group stage games, with
the next two matches coming against Bayern Munich. Arsenal will need to secure
at least a point from those matches—and then beat Olympiacos in Greece, and Dinamo
Zagreb at home—if they want a prayer of progressing to the knockout rounds, as
only one club under the current UCL format has ever advanced to the Round of 16
on six points (Zenit 2013-14). English clubs have now lost five of their first
six group stage games this season, with a chance at a Mancunian double whammy
tomorrow at the hands of upstart German opposition. We’ll see what happens when
United and City battle Wolfsburg and Monchengladbach, respectively, but it may
not stop that volatile English UEFA coefficient from plummeting at its current
neck-breaking rate…Elsewhere Bayern’s
Robert Lewandowski continued to punish inferior defenders putting another
hat-trick past Dinamo Zagreb in a
5-0 beat-down, giving the Polish forward 10 goals in a week; not bad for a guy
not named Ronaldo…Bayer Leverkusen
did all they could to break down a Messi-less Barcelona, but fell short thanks to 23-year-old Sergio Roberto’s
late equalizer and Luiz Suarez’ magnificent go-ahead strike from the top of the
box to guarantee the 2-1 victory…
Everyone’s favorite Belarusian club BATE Borisov stunned visiting Roma 3-2, while Dynamo Kyiv put Maccabi Tel
Aviv to the sword 2-0…and in the matchups that no one outside of Eastern
Spain, Central France, Saint Petersburg, or Flanders cares about (!), Valencia beat Lyon 1-0, while AVB’s boys stuck it to Gent 2-1. And by the way, if the Washington Redskins do end up
changing their team name/logo, I can guarantee you that Gent’s crest will be
the next to go.
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